It's ok not to be ok ..

Three hours ago. I just got home after pretty good days with my friend in her place. Saw my mom waiting for me. In next 5 minutes, everything got so screwed up. I did,too. Everything's wrong, once again. Like always. It's just my life. Every good thing that happens to me, is followed by - three times bigger - bad thing. And it's all over and over again.

It all makes me thinking about my life. No friends. No dad (like real dad, i mean i have a father .. but he's not my dad, he's never been), no talent, no chance to get out. Fuck off, girls my age, with your fucking boys troubles. Damn I wish I had your lifes. "Date this guy or that? Do I look that fat in these jeans?" .
And then, there's me. :
 "Mom, please stop cyring. Father doesnt worth it. Please please, stop crying."
 "I can't fail at physic exam. I cant do this school year again."
 "I will never hurt myself again." 
 "I hope I have enough money for this.."
 "I'll do it better. I will nest time, I promise."

Ok, i'm not saying I dont have "teen troubles". But just .. I dont have only them. I just wish I knew how does it feel , to have that happy life, without being scared, depressed, underestimated, messed up. You know? Get home and .. have dad to hug you. Got home, turn computer on and have at least two friends to talk to. While having tough times, have someone you can call in the middle of the night and talk to them for hour. Or at least have someone to hug you. To say "It's gonna be alright, I'm with you."

I dont have a fucking thing like this. I have amazing mom, yes, and brother. Someone doesnt even have that, I know. But I'm 17 and I just don't want to be the mess I am.

If I could, I'd go away. Run away as fast as I can. But that's the point. I CANNOT DO IT. I just cant and every day here, it's getting harder, more tough and bigger. It' killing me and making me losing my mind ..

I am freaking afraid of everything...